In less than a year, Donald J. Trump succeeded in keeping a major campaign promise: he saved Christmas. Many were skeptical given how far the holiday had fallen in recent years, it was widely acknowledged that this could’ve been the last year of Christmas. But with a bit of grit n’ grease the Donald did it; he saved it and by extension us, and by extension all of the children of the world.
I mean when you look at what the holiday season looked like last year in comparison to this year, it’s like comparing a barren, monochrome forrest devoid of all spirit and joy with a dense, wondrous expanse of Douglass firs punctuated by streams of warm light. We went from Triscuits with dried coconut milk, to warm chocolate chip cookies with whole milk. We went from an alley flanked by trash can fires to a Kinkaid painting.
Just look at what the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree looked like last year:
You call those trumpeting angels? That greenery is hardly lush, and what is that tree, 8-10 ft tall tops?
Now, look at the tree this year:
Gazing at this beautiful display, I can literally feel Christmas in my bones, in my bone marrow, in the hematopoietic cells that compose by bone marrow. These angels have spirit, unlike last year’s dreary lot. And that tree, it’s at least 900 ft. tall. Also, a lot of people don’t know this: last year, only 14 people visited Rockefeller Center in December. This year, only two weeks in December, 1.9 billion people have been to the tree.
Christmas is back!
Need more proof? Listen to this…
I was leaving a department store recently and the clerk ended our exchange by saying “Happy Holidays”.
I reeled back, “Oh, you did not just decapitate Father Christmas right in front of me like that!”
She seemed shocked, “I’m sorry…what?”
“Santa…you don’t see him, suspended in mid-air right in front of you with his throat slit!? You are being showered with sacred blood, how are you ignoring this!?!”
“Happy Holidays? Happy Holidays! Days, ssss, with an s! There is only one holiday, Christmas!”
At this point, most of the patrons in the store were looking at me. I think their looks on confusion were due to the fact that most people don’t see heroes in their everyday travels. It can be a lot to take in. I stood my ground, pulled out my phone and called the police. Within 5 minutes, the sales clerk was hauled off the jail. She’s now facing murder charges and will almost certainly do at least 25 years in federal prison.
Attorney General Sessions called me himself to thank me for doing my civic duty.
You think this would’ve happened under Obama? No way. When people wished me “Happy Holidays” during the period I call BT (before Trump), I just had to stand there and take it. I had to act like this phrase wasn’t an all-out assault on everything I hold dear. For eight years, every day of each December felt like I was being continually waterboarded.
I mean, think back a bit, let your mind wander back to last Christmas:
Did you get any gifts?
Did you decorate a tree?
Did you hear any Christmas songs?
Did anyone say “Merry Christmas”?
Did you celebrate Christmas at all?
I think if you search your heart you’ll realize that the answer to all of these questions is “no.”
But Saint Donald changed all that, we can say Merry Christmas again!
We are free to impose the Christmas holiday on every person in this country regardless of their religious affiliation!
He said he’d make Christmas great again and he sure has.
He sure has.
Written by Jesse Mechanic
Jesse Mechanic is the editor in chief of The Overgrown.