The One Who Won’t Go Away

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Despite calamitously derailing a Presidential campaign and subsequently becoming a Tea Party cartoon character and a political punchline, Sarah Palin has somehow stuck around.

Well, it’s January, which means it’s time for the primary contenders to ramp up their efforts, secure their endorsements, make desperate attempts at media coverage and spend an irordinante amount of time in Iowa.  This is the season where certain campaigns will rise above the madding crowd and others will fall back into the desperate recesses from which they came.

Yesterday, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palined harder than any Sarah has ever Palined before her, when she endorsed Donald Trump for president.  Here’s a few choice excerpts from her endorsement: (and yes, some of it rhymes)

Are you ready to make America great again? We all have a part in this. We all have a responsibility. Looking around at all of you, you hard-working Iowa families; you farm families, and teachers, and teamsters, and cops, and cooks. You rock n’ rollers and holy rollers.  All of you who work so hard. You full-time moms. You with the hands that rock the cradle.

We’re not gonna chill. In fact it is time to drill baby drill down and hold these folks accountable.

How about the rest of us? Right-winging, bitter-clinging, proud clingers of our guns, our God, and our religion, and our Constitution.

You’re ready for a Commander in Chief who will let our warriors do their job and go kick ISIS ass!

They stomp on our neck, and then they tell us, ‘Just chill O.K., just relax.’ Well, look, we are mad, and we’ve been had; They need to get used to it.

Most of us likely remember Palin’s wildly incoherent speech in Iowa last year, when her teleprompter allegedly broke and her brain immediately fractured into two, separate bodies of thought: one filled to the brim with buzzwords, and the other overflowing with incomplete sentences.  What followed was a stream-of-consciousness rant that came across as though she was playing a game of libertarian ad-libs beneath the podium.  And sure, we all remember when she couldn’t name a single newspaper or publication she read on a daily basis, and, of course there’s the whole “Bridge to Nowhere” debacle and the cadre of other missteps.

For most, a resume this dense with gaffes and this rife for ridicule would signify the end of a political career—but not for Sarah.  She won’t leave; and why would she?  She pops up every few weeks with some hokey new saying and some spastic winks, charming the pants off of a subsection of humans apparently enamored by the sheer confidence in vapidity that the outspoken hockey Mom provides in spades.  And what’s more, it seems as though Sarah Palin’s endorsement may actually still hold weight—enough weight to potentially sway primary voters in Iowa to choose Trump over Cruz.  The New York Times reported that the former Iowa GOP director Craig Robinson stated that, “Over the years Palin has actually cultivated a number of relationships in Iowa.”  So not only does Sarah Palin still exist as a figure in politics, but her endorsement could potentially sway a primary election.

Howard Dean had one overzealous yell in 2004 and he was finished.  I’m pretty sure I saw him working at the Duane Reade near my apartment last week.  But Palin, much like the candidate she so anti-eloquently endorsed, seems to thrive no matter what she says or does.  News came out last night that Sarah Palin’s son Track was arrested and charged with domestic violence and weapons possession.  Now there was a time when news like this would be an unstoppable force for political derailment, but the climate has changed.

Sarah Palin is a political personality that lives and breathes beyond the realms of rational thought.  Her actions exist in a vacuum, even though they don’t exist in a vacuum.  She’s a political marvel, a specimen that begs to be studied on a more in-depth level.  She functions as an abstract, a force far more powerful that her corporeal form.  She has transcended time, space and cerebral functioning to exist in a realm unto herself, a self-sustaining ball of gas that seems destined to swirl on for years (if not decades) to come.


by Jesse Mechanic

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