A Mixtape for Chris Christie

A musical ode to the man who I disagree with on nearly everything, but was able to steal my heart anyway.  

By Julia Cerbone

It’s always hard to pinpoint the exact moment when you begin to fall in love with someone that you’re meant to loathe.  While hate-watching the first Republican debate, I felt a shift as subtle as initial tectonic plate movement. Many eyes were drawn to the squirrel-haired ringmaster of the circus, Donald Trump. I, however, could not turn my attention away from the man inside of the cage filled with tigers. He was shooting straight from his childbearing hips, no one else could come close to his showmanship, and his tan was -to put it mildly- enviable.  As Mario Cuomo once said, “We campaign in poetry, govern in prose” and what this candidate was projecting was pure poetry. Deep beneath the surface, I was beginning to believe in Christopher James Christie as the only viable Republican presidential candidate.

It’s happened to all of us: One morning you wake up to find that your nemesis has transformed seemingly overnight, into an object of desire. Long ago, when I would realize that my feelings for a member of the opposite sex had changed from general revulsion to slightly less nauseated, I would use it as an excuse to flex my musical prowess. I would spend hours, sometimes even days, with records and compact discs strewn across my pink carpeted bedroom floor. The mixtapes I made, more often than not, had very little to do with the other person and a lot more to do with me creating a soundtrack for a romantic feeling I had yet to experience. What would love sound like? How could you tell someone you loved them not in words, but on a 90 minute analog cassette? The selection process was critical and the order of the songs on par with an incantation. Practice would make perfect and I wanted to be ready for the real thing.

Truth be told I tend to disagree with most, if not all, of Christie’s political beliefs but what can I say? Love knows no (political) boundaries and I fell for the man and his unbridled, “tell it like it is” charisma. Opposites do in fact attract. Christie’s presidential aspirations may already be written in elegy, but this mixtape is an ode to what might have been. (Listen below article).

Disclaimer: Normally, I would consider putting more than one song by an artist on a mixtape as a crime likened to treason. However, as this is a special case, the soundtrack is Boss heavy.

Side A

Bruce Springsteen: “Born to Run” (1975)

“Born to Run” is the most logical Christie campaign song. For one thing, it’s called “Born to Run.” In addition, the album Born to Run was serendipitously released the year Chris Christie attended his first of 130+ Bruce Springsteen concerts. Sadly, their relationship remains strained.

Otis Redding & Carla Thomas: “Tell It Like It Is” (1967)

“Tell It Like It Is”, coincidentally Christie’s default campaign slogan, includes the lines, “If you are serious, don’t play with my heart it makes me furious.” I like to imagine Chris and Mary Pat waltzing to this soulful scorcher at the Inaugural Ball. That would certainly bring the House down.

Paula Abdul: “Opposites Attract” (1988)

Forget Romeo & Juliet! Let me compare thee to an animated MC named Skat Kat. In this scenario, I am the former Los Angeles Lakers’ cheerleader / Charlie Sheen’s sister-in-law / American Idol darling to your, according to the press kit from Virgin Records’ media, “street philosopher with an alley Kat point of view.”

Gloria Estefan: “Rhythm Is Gonna Get You” (1987)

Christie has stated that he has used the rhythm method as a birth control measure. Seeing as he and Mary Pat have four children,inevitably, the rhythm is going to get you.

Madonna: “Dress You Up”(1984)

I have always coveted the “Chris Christie: Governor” fleece. Christie himself joked that the fleece was, “basically fused to his skin at this point.” I love a man with a sense of humor.

Bob Dylan” “Hurricane” (1976)

Christie was praised for his ability to blur party lines (missed song opportunity alert!) during Hurricane Sandy. Some even credit Christie with giving Obama the push he needed to secure reelection. (Note: This is the one song I would erase from Dylan’s musical canon if I could wave that kind of magic wand.)

Moe Tucker: “I’m Sticking With You” (1974)

When questioned about the possibility of a 2012 presidential run Christie mused, “Now is not my time, New Jersey, whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with me,” (I wonder how Tea Party member, former Velvet Underground drummer, Maureen Tucker feels about Christie!)

Bruce Springsteen: “I’m on Fire” 3X (1984)

In my opinion, “I’m On Fire” stands to be 3x as long, so I’ve included it 3x on the mix. Feel free to play it as many times as you see fit. Have I mentioned that Chris Christie loves Bruce Springsteen?

Side B

Billy Joel: “Just the Way You Are” (1977)

C.C. underwent lap band surgery in February 2013. A less drastic alternative to gastric bypass, I still find this decision disheartening. In the immortal words of Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones’s Diary, “Chris I like you very much, just as you are.”

Fergie: “London Bridge” (2006)

“How come ev’rytime you come around my GW Bridge wanna go down?” doesn’t have the same ring to it, but the sentiment remains the same.

John Fogerty: “Centerfield” (1985)

chris-christie

Photo Credit: NJ.COM (Duh.Chris Christie was not only class president of Livingston High School but also his baseball team’s catcher! I envy his waistline and also his ability to interchangeably resemble a Fisher Price Little People figurine or Bob’s Big Boy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crosby, Stills, & Nash: “Love the One You’re With” (1970)

Christie has reluctantly begun to claim that Bon Jovi is his favorite artist from the Garden State. We all know what it’s like to settle Chris. If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.

Bon Jovi: “Livin’ On A Prayer” (1986)

This one about sums up Christie’s current chances for a presidential nomination from the Republican Party. There’s always the independent ticket C.C. Take a page from The Donald!

Bruce Springsteen: “Atlantic City” (1982)

When the Boss & Jimmy Fallon parodied the Bridgegate scandal, Christie said he couldn’t bear to watch it but his son did and had cooed sympathetically, “It’s actually kind of cool to have Bruce saying your name.” Sure, sure it is dude.

The Band: “Atlantic City” (1993)

I just like this version. Chris have you ever heard it? Might be nice to switch it up every once in awhile.


 

Julia Cerbone lives in Brooklyn. She can generally be found reading books at bookstores without purchasing them, engaging in conversations with unstable strangers, and commenting on paintings that she doesn’t really understand.

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