1. The Chestburster from “Alien”
“Upon maturing it will erupt violently from the host’s chest, killing them in an incredibly bloody and traumatic fashion.” — Alien vs. Predator Wiki
Here, we have T bursting forth from P, like a newborn Xenomorph, ready to fuck shit up for humanity and inseminate as many things as possible.
For those who haven’t seen “Alien”, Trump is the “highly aggressive endoparasitoid extraterrestrial species,” and Pence, the human incarnation of the host Republican Party, helpless to watch as it gives birth to a monster conceived by its own incredible lack of foresight and refusal to heed the rather urgent advice of everyone in the movie theater.
The Xenomorph theory is a natural first guess for nearly every off-camera employee of Fox News, who, with very few exceptions, were inspired to go to film school by movies they loved as children, and not to learn how to operate a camera focused exclusively on blonde, white women.
A sarcastic graphic designer might have been able to sneak this masterful piece of ironic symbolism past the watchful eye of Jared Kushner’s secretary, before torrenting the entire “Alien” filmography onto their office’s Mac Pro.
Odds: 3 : 1
2. Disassembly Puzzles
Featured prominently on the coffee table of every single, childless over-40 adult male in suburban America, these puzzles also appear in the waiting rooms of most child psychologists.
We can’t help but draw visual similarities between these violently twisted and fused pieces of metal, and this logo’s entangled combination of “T” and “P”. Namely, both inspire terrifying visions of a catastrophic train wreck.
Much like the ugly stain of racism that Trump’s handlers have been unable to remove from his campaign, these puzzles have actually existed in America for centuries, and were casually pawned off onto children in the absence of a formal education.
In the aftermath of this election, the Republican Party, Donald Trump, and Mike Pence will find themselves in the same state as a recently purchased, expert-level disassembly puzzle: unsolvable, deeply regretted, and headed for the dumpster.
Could Donald Trump’s visual agency of choice have pawned off such an important task to the intolerable Lauren, who keeps a disassembly puzzle on her desk? Quite possibly.
Odds: 5 : 1
3. Aggressive, Dominant, Orange Sex
Donald Trump possesses the unique ability to entirely fuck anything he puts his name on.
Trump University. Trump Steaks. Trump Vodka. Atlantic City. What do they have in common? Donald Trump inserted himself into them in one form or another, and they are now radioactive. Though he would have you believe the opposite, Trump’s business dick is diseased.
But after years of limiting his personal, one-on-one schtuppings to women dressed as peacocks, it would seem that Donald has developed a taste for fucking Republican governors, and Chris Christie is being way too clingy.
Enter Mike Pence, the P to Trump’s T.
A Viagra-bolstered, diamond-hard T, still ultimately lacking in both girth and length (surprising nobody), and a rather gaping P, wide open, completely oblivious to the deception behind Trump’s sweet, back-door whispers of wealth and whitewashing for all.
It’s all just so innocent.
Joined forever in an unequal marriage of phallic proportions, Mike Pence is about to get railed into dust too; he just doesn’t know it yet. Or, if he does, he’ll be taking very detailed notes in preparation for a lewd tell-all.
The branding agency behind this ampersand-level disaster was in no small part inspired by the animalistic sexual urges Donald Trump has channeled into his decision-making since the first appearance of shimmering, pumpkin-colored pubic hair on his low-key obese body.
Odds: 2 : 1
By Rex Caruso